I have been focusing on my spiritual/energetic growth and development for the past few years now, solely (and soulfully) looking inward at the core of who I am. In doing so, I released old beliefs that were bathed in fear (of judgment, not being accepted, of failure). This led to an opportunity to intentionally fill this vacuous space. I chose to fill it with love and acceptance for myself and others. So, here I am living a life that feels Zen-like, full of peace and joy. Life occurs around me and I am accepting of it, even though I may find it uncomfortable or displeasing. This is how I have conditioned myself to not be reactionary based on what others are doing around me. This has allowed my body to heal and thrive, my mind to clear and ideate easily, and my spirit to inspire a love filled life. I am blissful and at peace, and I know that when I exit this space into the familiar space of fear, I dim. I become less beneficial to myself and others. When I am focusing on fearful events or people, I physically react in a painful way. My head aches as my blood pressure shifts and my thoughts become confusing. My physiological, psychological, and spiritual parts of me all deserve to be well and thrive. I have created a life so that is exactly the case. I’ve even become adept at guiding others to this space.
I had been seeing life as either peace and joy or turmoil and hate. Since my intention has been that of the previous, it led to a frustrated space of complacency. I questioned myself with ‘how can I accept fully all that is around me when there are living, breathing examples of oppositions of love?’. I know that the more attention I focus on the things I find displeasing (fear, hate, judgment), the larger they grow and I am no longer focusing on what I am, which is love, peace, and acceptance. How do I focus on what I want when it is in opposition to what the leaders in this land are fostering? How do I be the change in the world when it feels like I’m burying my head in the sand? Where is the balance of love and acceptance when my old Self would have fought? I cannot fight now. It is not what resonates with me any longer. Fighting feels like pain. Like war. Like grief and confusion. Fighting makes me cry for the people, the animals, the land, and the loss of love in the mix. This is not why I am here. I am not here to fight.
I am not here to be silent either.
I have realized I am not here to fight. I am here to ignite. Something recently was ignited within my core. I had a switch flipped. I had to find the balance between silence and fighting, all the while holding true to who I am. I am Love. We all are. Humans are made of love, it’s an energetic vibrational frequency. I allow life around me to flow, not taking any on as my own, being an observer through the lens of love. I have also been made aware of the instances in my life where love (outside of myself) was abruptly removed. It had happened over and over again, each time cutting deeper. These cuts heal, and the area strengthens. It’s like when we break a bone and it gets stronger where the calcium filled in the space. We intentionally tear muscles to build strength. We stretch them so they may tear and heal with ease, as opposed to continually tearing and tearing and hope they can keep mending themselves without respite. The balance is that of stretch and nurture, tear and rebuild. Lather, rinse, repeat.
That had been the story of my life for so long. Have love around me, then have it taken away. No consulting, no preparing, just a swift removal of sources of love around me. I had been so young at one point, I didn’t have the voice to question why this was happening. Then I grew into my voice and decided to use it against myself as the vocal creator of the reasons I did not deserve the love in the first place. This self-blame became the foundation for why I deserved the love sources to be removed. I was not good enough on some level or another. Then this voice changed as I realized that it was not my fault and that I did, in fact, deserve love. The more recent love removals have been just as uncomfortable, now my voice capable of speaking my dislike for the situation. It was as if the last removal of love was the straw that allowed me to collapse into myself and use my voice to express my frustration and sadness. Yet this did not bring the relief I assumed would prevail. It just led to more frustration and sadness because that is what I was speaking of. I had felt like a victim (again) of a drive-by love stealing. The breaking open point for me was this.
Something ignited within my core like that of no other. I made a decision. I decided that I will no longer allow for love to be taken away from me and my life experience again. I have a strong voice and am capable of using it to my advantage to create the love-filled life I deserve; that we all deserve. Now, I know that my focus on what I do not want will only bring more of that into my life, like fighting. That is the difference. I am ignited. I will not fight for the love to stay, rather I am ignited to grow the love around me in a way that cannot help but flourish. This is not only being the change I want to see in the world, but it is inspiring the change in the world. I will focus on what I want, and I will no longer allow someone outside of myself to be the dictator, controller, and navigator of my life experience. I will not allow anyone to create a love-lacking life around me. I am standing up, speaking out, and intentionally creating the life I desire. I am ignited.